A Bit of Fun

The Sour Clown at Fashion Week
By John William

There’s always one. Him in the Balenciaga womenswear armoured bodystocking they were selling at Dover Street for 10 grand. Him who finishes a normal mens’ outfit off with a pair of stonking great high heels. Him who by hook or by crook or by sample sale or by trust fund manages to dress in head to toe Galliano Couture (circa 2003) with replica make up. And he’s always in a massive strop. There is some fashion that is so hideous the scribble in every front row-ers notebook is “YUCK! Who would ever wear that?” and come fashion week there is always one guy who gives us the answer.

I am no stranger to looking like I’m in fancy dress. I have Jeremy Scott sunglasses in the shape of inverted crucifixes. I wear 17 prints at any one time, my favourite rail in Beyond Retro is the comedy rail reserved for out of season Halloween costumes and I like to accessorise like one may adorn a Christmas tree. But every fashion week I see boys who are literally taking the PISS. Boy versions of Eddie Monsoon and Patsy Stone rolled into one but with incredibly sour looks on their faces, getting huffy with PRs because they’ve only been given a standing ticket… It sets off a cringe so severe I’m still feeling tremors by the time Cruise comes out. How can somebody wearing a stuffed animal Jean-Charles de Castelbajac ensemble look so bloody miserable? I guess I do love it I just wish they would look in the mirror and cheer up a bit. My personal style icon is Linda La Hughes (from Gimme Gimme Gimme). If I could wear any designer head to toe for the rest of my life it would be Walter Van Beirendonck. I love trash and humour and gaud and glitz, but as the cast of Annie shrilly once sang, advice the Sour Clown should take heed of, no matter how much your Comme cost or how long it took to sew that Gareth Pugh replica: “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile.”

Seasonal Ref: The king of the clowns on the runway has to be Mr. Van Beirendonck. This AW he didn’t disappoint with a collection that saw beefy dudes walking the runway in knitted twin sets and supersize body engulfing multicoloured pom-poms. Amazing fashion but must be worn with a sense of humour. Nobody likes a Sour Clown.

Must Have: Colour, volume, statement shades, gender inappropriate accessories, ugliness, tackiness, fabulousness.